BREAKING: John Edwards may be a dirtbag

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Forget the new Congress (two members of which thought it was OK to swear themselves in via television from the illegal fundraisers they were having in the Capitol Visitors Center). Or Barry finally getting around to asking his economic advisors to “focus on a recovery” instead of using foreclosure notices to clean the peasant blood off their Lambos' cowcatchers. Or the fact that we're still having to slap the Baja Gordita out of people's hands, look them in the eye and tell them the Civil War was about slavery and not Dukes of Hazzard.

Yes, forget these things. John Edwards is gettin' hitched! To that “videographer” that kept Herzogian tabs on his penis! Maybe! Man, kids these days sure don't waste any time.

At least that's what the Pulitzer-sniffing gumshoes at the Enquirer are running with. And because they were right, once, we need to take this seriously. Conspicuously missing from the article is that Edwards seems to be the only man on earth immune to the chemical in women's tears. Also, Elvis fucking hated John Lennon's guts, probably because Yoko made terrible PB & banana sandwiches.

We at the Impose Political Warroom will be watching this (and Piper Palin's possible baby bump!) very, very closely.