Food

Healthy or Hungover #10

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It'S a NEW YEAR! And that means everyone has made the resolution to LOSE WeiGHT!!! Well I definitely didn't so I made this Sprinkle Cake instead!!! Last year was a little WACK so I'm making sure to welcome in the new year like it was milk n cookiez 4 Santa Claus. “Hey, 2013, I'm making you this cake and being a very good girl….now can you give me everything I want this year???”

It would be SiCK if it worked that way….but since it prolly doesn't….the REAL reason I made this badass SprinKLe CaKe is “JUST CUZZZZZZZZ”. I'm making this SprinKLe caKe 4 U “JUST CUZ” I'm good at baking. “JUST CUZ” I'm xXsingleXx now!!!! “JUST CUZ” now I can Instagram the SHIT outta thiss CUTE CAKE! “JUST CUZ” maybe my ex will see the Instagram and get SooOooOO JEAL!!!! “JUST CUZ” maybe I don't even CARE what anyone thinks (I thinkKk???)!!!! “JUST CUZ” this is the 'Part Of Me' (wasSsup Katy Perry)!!!! “JUST CUZ” now I won't be checking my iPhone ever 5 secondz!!!!! “JUST CUZ” he definitely DiDN'T text me but it's like definitely okay, okay??!!!! “JUST CUZ” I'm domestic, fun, AND a lil crazZzy!! 😉

“JUST CUZ” SprinKLe CaKe

(makes 12 square pieces) (or two big pieces if you're me)

CAKE

3/4 Cup White Sugar

1/2 Cup Butter
2 eggs (or egg substitute)
2 tsp Vanilla Extract

1 1/2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 3/4 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 Cup Coconut Milk

ICING

1 Package Cream Cheese
1/2 Cup Butter

2 Cups Powdered sugar
Sprinkles
6 Fresh Strawberries

Preheat oven to 350.

Melt your butter and combine in a medium sized bowl with Sugar, Eggs, and Vanilla. Then add Flour and Baking Powder. Blend together with those electric beater-whisk thangz until just combined. Slowly add Coconut Milk and beater-whisk until smooth.

Grease the bottom of a 13X9 pan and pour in all of that batter.

BaTTer is just the Be$t, RIGHT???? I mean whether it's cookie dough or cake batter it's usually better than the final product!!!! My sister and I used to ladle Betty Crocker Yellow Cake mix batter over Vanilla ice cream when we were TOO BROKE to buy *Cake Batter* ice cream from the fancy pants ice cream shop in Boston where we used to live. Let me tell you, being able to control how much Cake Batter reaLLy goes into your Cake Batter ice cream is DOPE!!!!!! I'm all “Uhhhhh 2 to 1 Please, DUHHHHH”

Cookie dough is also WHERE IT'S AT for sure. My cool cousin Katy taught me a college trick about how to eat cookie dough the Be$t WaY when you're drunk, sweet craved, 20 years old and STILL LIVING IN A DORM. You take a Tollhouse Cookie Log, plop the WhoLe ThaNG on a cookie sheet and bake it for 5 minutes! That way “the top get's a lil bit brown and cookie-like, but the rest is super gooey and STILL DOUGH” This was LITERALLY the best cookie dough trick I've like EVER LEARNED!!! Up to 10 people can be jabbing forks at it at a time! Genius!!! Maybe I shouild like go back 2 college or whatever

SoOoOooOOo let the cake bake for like 20-30 minutes. While I waited I got caught up watching Oprah and Lance Armstrong: The World Wide Exclusive! Within the first 10 minutes of 'yes' or 'no' questions I was ALReaDY CrYiNG!!! Like… Why did U do it Lancey!?!? You prolly knew how 2 “LIVESTRONG” already ya know what I mean!?!! Workin' Out while doin drugz is like spiking yo Emergen-C with VODKA!!!! Or ordering a Diet Coke with your double fudge chocolate and exXxtra whip cream ice cream Sundae!! Like you ain't foolin' me….you ain't on a diet!!! I let my bike get stolen in Bushwick cuz Biking is scARRRRyyyy….guess I'm not cut out 4 cycling!! Is Oprah a reaL woman?!! Like why don't you ever get oLder?!! I've heard if U never show emotion U will neVer get wriNkLes!!!!!!!! I would totaLLy try that out but I like smiling at BOYZ too much 😉 😉 😉

Take out the cake and let it cool for a while. Let's git sTarTed on the Icing!

Three perfect ingredients: Butter, Cream Cheese, Sugar. Like daaaaaaamnnn I could live simply and only eat those three thangz 4 the rest of my life!!!! But lucky me I'm not tryin 2B Zen at ALL so I can eat icing AND cake!! And even post a photo of it to F-Book and racK in the Likes!!!! LIFE IZ GOOD, RIGHT??? I got 99 probLemZ but baKinG ain't one!!!!!!!

Throw dat room temperature butter in a small bowl with the whole package of cream cheese. Start beater-whisking while adding the Powdered Sugar in slowly.

Look at my PiNK NAiLZ!!!! I got them done down the street from me. The lady took one look at me and was all “Can I get you a glass of wine?” And of course I was like “Duh.” I must have looked a lil CrazZzy!!! Teeth stained from drinking red wine out of a plaStiC cup at 1pm?? Reading an article in Cosmo about “HoW to Overcome Your FEARS in BED” or something st00pid like that?!! So I turned the page to a “beTTer article” and it was “The Science of Sexual Abuse”………..!?!?!?!?!?!!? Is SomeOne SomeWhere tryin' 2 tell me Somethin?? Is Mercury in like mega Retrograde!?!?!?!? Should I ask for googly eyes on my NailZ instead of PiNK? Am I giving off the WRONG impression ALL the time?! I still think about every boy in Junior High that said “No” to me at school dances!!! WHAT IF I'M THE SAME NOW?? I think I want coLoReD contacts!!! Another glass of wine PLEASE!!!!!!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!!! Look at this SexXxy cake!!! It's like…hoW did U go from gOOpy baTTer to this perfectly contaiNed sweet cake?!!?!? Baking is STILL a big mystery to me. Outer Space? You can have it. Deep sea diving?? Maybe I'd go but it's kinda whatever. Kim and Kanye West?? I guess I'd browse through a tabloid and read about it. BUT BAKING!?!?!?! Now THAT'S a mystery I want to learn EVERYTHiNG ABOUT!!!!!!

So my sister and I came up with this theory that single people take more “Selfies”. Do you know what I mean? It's like 'Look at me in THiS cute outfit, I look good right!' or 'Look at me and my CAT! See!!!! I'm NOT alone!!!!' or 'Check out where I am right now, it's the place YOU never took me when we were dATING!!!' or the best one, 'Look at how I scrunch up my face in this pic!!! I know I NEvVvVvvVER use this face in real life, but IsN'T it CUTE when I do it on Instagram!?!? DO YOU WANT ME BACK YET????!!!!' Well to make decorating this cake with strawberriez a lil more FUN FUNNY and FUN, I took some “newly single” selfie Instagramz “JUST CUZ”!!

“Justa domestic goddess with her strawberries! 🙂 🙂 #saturdaynight #sohappy #girlie”

OR HOW ABOUT……

“Thangz are heating up with this cake!!! #justbeingme #spunky #theresnobodylikeme”

OR MAYBE THE DUDES WOULD REALLY LINE AROUND THE BLOCK FOR…..

“I'M FINE!!!!!! SEE???? #saturdaynight #justbeingme #crazy #psycho #losingit”

Whatever anyways….thinly slice 6 strawberries and place them “artisticly” on your cake!

Now for the FiNi$HiNG TOUCH!!!!! SPRANKLEZZZZZZZZ

I like the little rainbow colored ones to add some…… je ne sais quoi!!!! It's almost like saying to yourself “This cake looks very professional but now I'm going to make it look like a kidz craft project!!!!”