Teen River July Batch Awards

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Teen River Tapes, as we've previously addressed, is a very prolific little tape house. In the time it takes us to peel our eyeballs away from a Pawn Stars marathon to microwave a Lean Cuisine, they've released somewhere between 12,576 and 3,496,712 tapes. However, each of them is very special, just like a snowflake or a flower or a member of the House of Representatives, and so we're going to look at the July batch of releases and give them each their own award!

WINNER: Most Mono and WINNER: Best Band Name
Plastic Boner Band, “To the Many” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

This thirteen minute noise track played mostly out of the right headphone, causing me to tilt my head for the duration of the track.

WINNER: Most Likely Recorded in a Mall Karaoke Room by a Weird Family
King Tut's Tomb, “Chardonnay” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

I don't know if this is a family band or not, but it's so easy to see this weirdly-tuned track being recorded for a VHS accompaniment to a Christmas card, Mom on the keys, Dad on guitar, big Sis on drums, and Little Timmy as the frontman. Singing about wine. I dunno.

WINNER: Most Nostalgic Anthem

Can't you see yourself screaming along to this in a sweaty basement, gripping your two best friends' dirty palms after a full day of biking around, picking fruit off of trees and out of dumpsters, and talking about, you know, life?

WINNER: Most Hair Metal
The Christmas Bride, “My Mother Always Knows Where I Am” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

Well, except that a hair metal band would never chant “I LOVE MY MOM” repeatedly. But other than that, yes, very, very hair metal. (Just Kidding.)

WINNER: Most Jaded
Inferior Design, “Another Stupid Day” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

You can see that they deserve this award just from the band name and the song title but the singer's blunt monotone doesn't hurt. His eyes must be permanently stuck to the back of his skull from rolling them so much.

WINNER: Sweetest
Spooky Moon, “Morning Lark” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

This song could have been recorded by Olivia Tremor Control in a backyard farm lean-to in 1992, but it wasn't. It's beautiful in that wacky, sampled-psychedelic squelchy way.

WINNER: Happiest Song About a Sad Thing
J Fernandez, “No Luck” [EVERYONE APPLAUDS]

This is another beautiful song, with a lovely horn melody and even a solo near the end, and J Fernandez has an enchanting falsetto, so my guess is he makes pretty songs about sad things CONSTANTLY. And practice makes perfect!

WINNER: Best Ooohs

This song has a really fun and catchy guitar melody, but the vocals are so cloaked in reverb that all you can decipher are the “Oh oooh” parts, so that's what you'll have to sing in the shower.

WINNER: Best Song to Dream To

If you fell asleep with this 11 minute Gordon drone on the tape player, you would most certainly dream of big, fluffy gardens full of flowers and beautiful children who take you dancing in meadows of pillowy, tie-died mashed potatoes.