In the United States, only ten states have individual State Sports, and only six have an official State Team Sport. Five of these states have both individual and team. The individual sports run the gamut from regional no duh’s: South Dakota has Rodeo, North Carolina has Stock car racing and New Hampshire has Skiing; to the old timey: Maryland’s individual sport is Jousting; to the non-sport: looking at you Minnesota and you’re claim of ice fishing.
In order to keep the peace, Impose feels that all of the states have an individual sport, so when the apocalypse comes and we’re all forced to duke it out for supremacy, we can do it on our own terms. Here are our suggestions for each of the 50 in our beautiful Union*.
Alabama: Watching Football
I have received no other information that this isn’t already what’s happening most of the time anyways.
Arizona: Being retired
If Ice Fishing counts…
No seriously, what goes on here?
California: Being a celebrity
Like football players in Texas, you use tradition to your advantage.
Colorado: Getting blazed
You guys got there first, you earned it.
Connecticut: Selling insurance
It’s the easiest step to turn something that everyone is doing anyways into a sport.
Delaware: Being a tax shelter
It barely beat out “Working for Dupont.”
Florida: Alligator wrestling
This place is so wild, who knows what kind of variations they could come up with.
Georgia: Keeping the riff raff at bay
Guarding the border from Florida is a full time job.
Idaho: Saying “Yep, potatoes” to people.
That’s a crappy identity to maintain, but you could be Iowa.
Illinois: Taking tourists to that giant mirror ball thing
We’ve all done it.
Indiana: Patiently waiting for the return of their Lord and Savior Larry Bird
He hasn’t stopped playing basketball, he’s just resting.
Iowa: Saying “No, not Idaho, Iowa”
It’s hard to lose out identity to a state best known for potatoes.
Kansas: Looking out onto the horizon and seeing to the next state over
Get it? It’s flat there.
Kentucky: Demolition derby
Bummer that North Carolina got stock car racing first, but you show them who’s boss!
Many states will claim this should be theirs, but you earned it, Louisiana.
Maine: Lobster racing
Butter: The great motivator.
Michigan: Color wars
Blue or Green, a state divided.
Mississippi: Riverboat gambling
Where Huck Finn meets the film version of Maverick.
Missouri: Playing SWAT team
Way to make Cardinals fans look reasonable, Missouri.
Montana: Looking at the sky
Use all portions of the area guys.
Nebraska: Corn huskin’
Probably will never be able to live that one down.
Nevada: Employing the elderly
Gambling is too corporate now, we need something the whole family can get behind.
New Jersey: Arguing that Jersey Shore/Real Housewives isn’t the REAL New Jersey
Yeah guys, we get it, but they’re coming from somewhere.
New Mexico: Arguing that all of New Mexico isn’t like Breaking Bad
It takes a nation of Jesse Pinkman’s to get past a stereotype.
New York: We play a sport, but you’ve probably never heard of it.
We play every weekend at Terry’s loft. Oh you don’t know it? (Ok, that’s more of a Brooklyn sport)
North Dakota: Maintaining the blood feud against South Dakota
The battles might end, but the war never will.
The state used to produce astronauts and presidents, now settles for failed NFL players.
Oklahoma: Waging a secret war against Texas
It’s a one-sided rivalry.
Oregon: Being fussy
“It’s not really like Portlandia.” Yeah? Prove it.
Seriously, have you driven through Pennsylvania? It takes like two days to get through that place.
Rhode Island: Electing Buddy Cianci
Yeah I know that only means Providence, but what else is going on there?
South Carolina: Putting sticks of the South Carolina flags on cars
We get it guys, you love those palmetto trees.
Utah: Being Mormon
See you guys at the big ol’ church on Sunday!
Vermont: Getting blazed
Medically, that is.
Virginia: Being a lawyer
Cause who can afford to live in DC?
Washington: Scoffing at Oregon
Get in line, though.
West Virginia: Fracking
Sorry guys ☹
Wisconsin: Cheese Eating
Also talking to people about the Packers.
*The following states already have an individual state sport, thus why they were listed: Alaska, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, North Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas and Wyoming.