Top 10 ways the record industry should spend its extra money

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illegal downloading

As we all know, times have been tough for the beleagured record industry. With the introduction of digital downloading and illegal pirating something like a hundred years ago, they have been trying to figure out how to get people to actually buy records, digital or otherwise. And by otherwise we mean CDs, remember those?

However, according to the Hollywood Reporter, in 2012, the record industry saw a staggering .3 percent sales increase (it's first increase since 1999). That's right. If you got a .3 percent raise at your job, you'd still be broke and upset, but this happens to be a substantial chunk of change for the once “broken” behemoth that is raking in nearly $12.5 billion a year. And since this is an industry that has been known to throw away money before, to the likes of three-week coke parties at Tommy Lee's sex dungeon, we've decided to help out with a few suggestions on what this newfound skrilla should be spent on.

10. Buy Jack White several more hats.

09. Male and female strippers for Clive Davis' birthday party.

08. Buy a 141414 plane, wherein Rihanna takes journalists to 14 third-world countries in 14 days for 14 photoshoots with 14 orphanages (people love that shit).

07. Pay the US government to have Mumford & Sons legally recognized as citizens (did you know they're British?).

07b. Then pay to have them deported.

06. Buy more palm grease for the music supervisor who brought us such amazing acts as Train and the Lumineers.

05. Host the wedding of Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff on the minaret of the Capitol Records building to prove how relevant you are.

04. Reissue Fleetwood Mac's Tusk on actual ivory.

03. Invest in Microsoft's next music-playing device, “Like Zune but with more features.”

02. Pay Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z to come out as a gay couple, announce new record, release 72 singles in anticipation of new record. Watch sales increase to .4%.

And the number one way the music industry can spend its newfound money…

01. More autotune.