Ae you ready for some football? How about some sides of Marxist inspired avant garde art movements? Good! Because I’ve got you covered this year with the Situationist Guide to the NFL season. And since I’m no Guy Debord… wait, I explained this all to you yesterday. To recap, I’ve broken down my NFL preview into three handy steps: The Spectacle, Detournement and Psychogeography. Detournement was a technique used to “turn expressions of the capitalist system against itself,” while Psychogeography is the study of the “specific effects of the geographical environment on the emotions and behavior of individuals.” I don’t think I need to explain Spectacle to you. Yesterday we tackled the AFC, today we take a look at its older brother, the NFC.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys
2014 Record: 12-4
The Spectacle
DeMarco Murray was probably the best Cowboys running back since a guy named Emmitt and he walked to join a divisional rival, probably because lecherous zombie owner still thinks he has a chance to get Johnny Football. And that incomplete pass call against the Packers was a total make-up for the utter corruption of the flag being picked up in Detroit.
Detournement
Dez Bryant, the only offensive savior now, signed a $45 million deal, got punched in practice, hates the team fixer for stealing money and will still not be the biggest headache on the team because they signed Greg Hardy. These are the Cowboys we deserve.
Psychogeography
Betting on Tony Romo staying healthy enough without a killer backfield to help him out this year is long gone, so Jason Garrett better roll up his sleeves and, I dunno, pray or something?
New York Giants
2014 Record: 6-10
The Spectacle
Their biggest offseason move was when Jason Pierre-Paul decided one of his fingers wasn’t working out with the rest of the squad. Ultimately Pierre-Paul and his finger couldn’t reach an agreement, so he was cut.
Detournement
Eli Manning is gunning for an extension, so he’ll throw bombs to Odell Beckham Jr. and Victor Cruz before getting all that money and revealing bad comedian Eli Manning is the real Eli Manning.
Psychogeography
Tom Coughlin will yell at these damn kids until they get off his lawn forever.
Washington Football Club
2014 Record: 4-12
The Spectacle
At this point, what isn’t a spectacle for Dan Snyder’s team? The ridiculous pre-season treatment of Robert Griffin III now puts him third on the depth chart behind guys named Kirk and Colt, but they have no interest in trading him because they’re spiteful. Just jump ship, well-meaning fans.
Detournement
If you can trust Jay Gruden to make the right decision (bwahahaha) and if you think Kirk Cousins can outlast his performance last year (when he was benched for Colt McCoy), Washington actually re-stocked their offensive line. The same one that got RGIII trampled.
Psychogeography
Whatever good may happen to this franchise, it’s under the banner of toxicity. Change the damn name, Dan!
Philadelphia Eagles
2014 Record: 10-6
The Spectacle
Chip Kelly! Holy cow! Deposing the leadership of a corrupt country required less personnel moves than the old Chipster did this off season. He ran the roster like a panicked guy in the first season of his fantasy football team. He dumped everyone with such a fashion that outgoing players mumbled something about racism.
Detournement
Where to start? Sam Bradford and Demarco Murray were the biggest signings, but were they giant improvements over Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy? Also, who is Bradford going to throw to? Nelson Agholor? Jordan Matthews? Riley Cooper? Sam Bradford missed all season last year because of an ACL tear and now he’s going to be forced to scramble because Chip couldn’t wait to add a fourth tight end to the team.
Psychogeography
The Eagles won 10 games and still couldn’t get into the playoffs. I can’t wait for that to happen again this year.
NFC North
Chicago Bears
2014 Record: 5-11
The Spectacle
Jay Cutler is STILL your quarterback. Six years of Smokin Jay!
Detournement
The Bears traded Brandon Marshall and already have Alshon Jeffery and Marquess Wilson starting on the Questionable list with backup Eddie Royal on the Probable list. So Jay will have absolutely no one to throw to, but Bears fans will clamor through their bratwurst about being able to run the ball 600 times a game just like the good ol’ days.
Psychogeography
The shadow government of Jimmy Clausen supporters might finally get their chance this year.
Green Bay Packers
2014 Record: 12-4
The Spectacle
Turn away, Packers fans. MAN THAT GAME. The Packers just had to sit on it for the final four minutes and they blew it so hard.
Detournement
Jordy Nelson is already out all year and James Jones came back on a freebie contract, but it comes down to Aaron Rodgers continuing his streak as the Millennial Peyton Manning: Will always look great in the regular season and eat it like a dog in the playoffs. What other slanderous Rodgers thing will Packers fans come up with this season? This guy is forced to appeal to the most slack-jawed because he doesn’t happen to be Brett Favre.
Psychogeography
Jordy Nelson hurts a lot, but basically the same squad is there and if Mike McCarthy can figure out a red-zone offense, they’ll be back in the NFC Championship game again.
Minnesota Vikings
2014 Record: 7-9
The Spectacle
Teddy Bridgewater is awesome and I have nothing snarky to add.
Detournement
Human uncomfortably factor Adrian Peterson is back, so hooray? His time in the backfield might help the load of Bridgewater so he won’t have to do as much and risk getting injured. It still feels yucky though, right?
Psychogeography
The Vikings have one of the youngest teams in the league, so if you can hang on through the bumps, the youth revolt could be awesome. Except Teddy doesn’t have anyone to throw to.
Detroit Lions
2014 Record: 11-5
The Spectacle
HOW IS THIS NOT THE BIGGEST COVERUP IN ALL OF SPORTS?
Detournement
The Lions called the bluff on Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley and will now watch previously stifling defense get torched every 2nd down.
Psychogeography
Matt Stafford has the most-stacked receivers in the league, but no running game because the last guy who was a decent back for Detroit retired in 1999 and moved to Europe to escape them. Stafford threw 22 touchdowns but 12 INTs and eight fumbles makes that pretty irrelevant. Imagine if they had a real quarterback?
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers
2014 Record: 8-8
The Spectacle
49ers owner Jed York ran the whole team, including head coach Jim Harbaugh, out of town, so he can move them to a stadium in Santa Clara that turns into a magnifying glass. Half the defense retired in their prime because York put in Happy To Be Here yes man in Jim Tomsula.
Detournement
Anquan Boldin convinced another former Ravens wideout in Torrey Smith to join the team, but if Colin Kaepernick goes down, they’ve got Blaine Gabbert to-OH MAN BLAINE GABBERT IS STILL AROUND?
Psychogeography
Between the chaos of other teams moving to California and Dan Snyder creating a whirlwind of chaos whenever he walks, Jed York gets a pass for being an over-involved owner.
Arizona Cardinals
2014 Record: 11-5
The Spectacle
What a tremendous collapse for the Cardinals. Racing out to a 9-1 start last season, they watched QB after QB go down only to lose four of the last six games and get trumped in the Wild Card by the Panthers. But instead of using the opportunities in the offseason to solidify a quarterback, Bruce Arians held on to the two guys who got wrecked last season. And just brought in the not-good-enough-for-Chip-Kelly Matt Barkley.
Detournement
Larry Fitzgerald restructured his deal to open up some cap space and what did they do? Um…
Psychogeography
The Cardinals will perk up somebody’s ears until they implode, but they seem destined to be a rest stop for fans of other teams who have made their way south west because of jobs or a meth habit or whatever.
Seattle Seahawks
2014 Record: 12-4
The Spectacle
Pete Carroll is a maniac.
Detournement
Kam Chancellor is trying to get paid and if Seattle gets torched by Week 2 against the Packers, they’ll back up the truck for him. DangeRuss (the least applicable nickname ever) got paid with a four year, $87.6 million deal, with $31 million of it in a signing bonus so he can take Ciara to the nicer Applebee’s in town after church.
Psychogeography
Isn’t it weird that Pete Carroll thinks 9/11 was an inside job but can’t tell that his quarterback is a replicant?
St Louis Rams
2014 Record: 6-10
The Spectacle
Detournement
The days of the Rams in the Lou are pretty much over, so squeeze in your last Best Show on Turf memories while you can.
Psychogeography
Oh man, they found wildin’ out Chip Kelly to take on the broken everything of Sam Bradford and they got a couple of picks and backup QB Nick Foles. Foles will be starting however, but who can tell. This entire depth chart looks like a backup squad.
AFC South
New Orleans Saints
2014 Record: 7-9
The Spectacle
The Saints lost out on their best receiver in years because they refused to classify him as a Wide Receiver instead of a Tight End for compensation reasons. And they got put on blast by outgoing defender Junior Galette in a tirade that was clearly nutso but also hilarious.
Detournement
In order to cut costs, the only real receiving threat is now Marques Colston with a backfield filled with a bunch of scraps from other teams.
Psychogeography
The owner had to go to court to prove that he was mentally sound enough to run the team, all the while putting the franchise on the back of mayonnaise on top of mashed potatoes, Drew Brees.
Carolina Panthers
2014 Record: 7-8-1
The Spectacle
Cam Newton, star of the reboot of Unbreakable and Yogurt Spokesman, signed a five-year, $103.8 million contract. With $60 million guaranteed and a $22.5 million signing bonus. With that big chunk of change, Cam has like no offensive weapons to use, so he’ll burn out really quickly trying to make something out of nothing.
Detournement
The Panthers thumped the Cardinals real good in the Wild Card round last year, but the Cardinals had no practical quarterback and were rightfully sent packing by the Seahawks the next week. Cam has to make up all the ground on offense because they have four deep at tight end and a receiver with a name that sounds like a serial killer in Ted Ginn Jr.
Psychogeography
The defense will still be bananas good and Cam will still dazzle, but aside from winning another title in a garbage division, there’s not much going on in Carolina.
Atlanta Falcons
2014 Record: 6-10
The Spectacle
Another year of “Is Matty Ice elite?” while he eeks out a 4th quarter save after keeping opponents in the game during the first three quarters.
Detournement
Julio Jones got a bigger wallet with a five-year, $71.25 million extension, with $47 million of it guaranteed. Roddy White and Devonta Freeman are still around for a little before they want some of that Julio money.
Psychogeography
Blank profile pic head coach Mike Smith is out, replaced by Dan Quinn, the former defensive specialist with the Seahawks. So the Falcons actually look to stop opponents this year instead of putting the onus on Matt Ryan to finish the game. What a concept.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2014 Record: 2-14
The Spectacle
Detournement
Despite bringing in a brand new franchise quarterback with your first pick, a move that needs all the confidence in the world with Winston’s ridiculous past, the Bucs are already back peddling and trying to sell the narrative that their running game is where it’s at. Oh, okay.
Psychogeography
Head coach Lovie Smith has used 12 of his 13 draft picks on offensive players in order to revamp the struggling Buccaneers, but Lovie is not much of an offensive mind. If the offensive line can stay upright and healthy, you’ll see some flashes of how good they can be.
